Goose And Soda

I recognize that being a heterosexual female is generally a bad life decision.

Throw Another Shrimp on the Barbie

I was out with some friends at one of the many summer street fests in Chicago, well on my way to “I might not remember this tomorrow” territory.  About 4 hours in, it all gets pretty fuzzy, but the details I know for sure happened are thus:

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See, What Had Happened Was…

Most people know that phrase as a famous line uttered by Will Smith on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”  This is the intro that rascally Will uses when he is trying to ‘splain some *REAL SHIT* he got into.  My friends know this is one of my favorite phrases, and they tend to hear it when I am about to describe some absolutely bonkers mess I found myself  in.  If I start a story with that line, everyone is in for a real scare.  Treat, I mean.  Everyone is in for a real “treat.”

Without further adieu…..

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Guest Edit – The Best Friend Edition

From the Bestie, who is now a married old bag – names changed to protect the guilty: 

I dated Ned in the 7th grade. He was a Persian chubster. He’s still Persian, but no longer a fatso. I dumped him for Ricky who later became my first roommate when I moved to Chicago.

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Every Day I’m Hustlin’

We can’t all be good at everything.  It takes lots of time, energy and practice to really be good at some things.  I accept this as a universal truth, and it doesn’t stress me out when I’m bad at something that other people are good at.  With one exception:  Pool.

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BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

This girl, amirite?

Late Bloomer

I know this may come as a surprise, but I was a bit of a late bloomer.

The year was 1997.  I was 12 or maybe 13, in 7th grade.  My class was doing some quiet study time in the library, which was just a big open area in the center of the school.  So, anything you said in the library could be heard in most all of the school’s hallways and certainly if you yelled something, maybe something like, “HEY RYAN WHAT’S A BONER?!?” across the library, pretty much the entire school could hear that.

I know, Baby Goose, I know.

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Are You Basic or Boss?

BP1 BP2

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Internet Dating: Part 1

So one time when I lived in a foreign city known as “New York,” I decided to try internet dating.  I recently stumbled across this gem of an email to my girlfriends, which sums up a lot of my thoughts about internet dating and how well that worked out for me (names changed to protect the “innocent”).

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IRL

An actual text I once sent during a group chat:

“You guys I cannot even.  It’s Tuesday at 7A and I’m having a conversation with my best friends about how a 25-year old side piece may have stolen a pack of birth control pills from my house.  This is real life.”

 

 

Dipping The Pen In The Company Ink

Don’t deny it.  Everyone has at least thought about it at some point.  Everyone has work crushes.  One of my exes actually left me for a work crush-turned-real-deal.  They’re married now.

When you’re a female who works in finance, you’re a rare commodity.  Occasionally, one or two of your 99% male colleagues are also physically attractive.  Naturally, you get tempted.  And then you remember a million reasons that would be a really REALLY terrible idea and you let it go.

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