A Sure Fire Way to Speed Things Up

by gooseandsoda

Ladies, gather round.  It’s time for a dose of sage advice from yours truly.

We can all agree that those early stages of dating someone you actually like are honestly the fucking worst.  You are really excited by this new person, and you assume it’s reciprocal, but you really don’t know where you stand, and that can cause unnecessary anxiety.  Is he seeing other people?  Is he just stringing you along until something better comes along??  Is he going to run away if you make it known that you’d like to see him more than once a week???  Is it too soon to have “The Talk” about your status?!?  It’s agonizing!

Well, worry no more, because I have unlocked the key to ending all that anxiety.  I am going to tell you a very simple and extremely effective way to learn exactly where you stand with your new bae.  Because I am a generous and altruistic soul, I am not even going to charge you for this.  I am going to give you this incredible life advice FOR FREE.  I know, but please, save your wildly enthusiastic applause for later.

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?  If you’re not sure where you stand with him, and you really want to know, all you have to do is…

Get. Chlamydia.


“You get chlamydia and you get chlamydia and YOUUUU GET CHLAMYDIAAAAAAA”

Let’s say you have been seeing this guy for just over a month.  You’ve had about 5 dates together, and you’re still making time to see each other, but you’ve also both been doing some separate traveling in there.  Before you met this guy, you hadn’t slept with anyone for a couple months, but you don’t really know what his situation is.  You assume that, given the time he’s devoting to you, he *probably* doesn’t have anyone else in the mix, but you haven’t declared anything and you can’t be sure.

But if you get chlamydia, then he will call you to tell you that (surprise!) he has chlamydia!  It’s like a magical fucking truth discharge serum, and it’s going to go one of two ways. He’s either going to break things off with you because he can’t deal (so you know he wasn’t worth your time, and not invested enough anyway).


He just might use this opportunity to give you all the details about how he hasn’t slept with anyone since he met you, and how many partners he had since the last time he was tested (and if it’s more than 2, you should run the fuck away), and then he will proceed to apologize profusely to you and say he feels like a total asshole and that he really likes you and hopes that you don’t hate his diseased guts.  Then you can also take this same opportunity to tell him that you also have not slept with anyone since before you met, and that it’s really not a big deal, you’ll go to the doctor right away, and you’re totally fine with it, oh and…. you really like him too.  And then, some time later, it can just be a little inside joke you share about how you two got accidental surprise chlamydia together.

So the next time you’re dating a guy, and you’re just not entirely sure where it’s going or how they feel, don’t bother trying to have a normal adult conversation, just get you some chlamydia.