Goose And Soda

I recognize that being a heterosexual female is generally a bad life decision.

Month: September, 2017

Maybe Just One More Though?

I was out with my best girlfriends on a heady summer night.  It was the first time we had all been together in many period moons, and we were celebrating the birthday of the friend who traveled all the way from London to be with us.  I was a little bit drunk and positively giddy to be with my besties.

After an awesome evening of sushi, girl time and bar hopping, eventually we found ourselves at a favorite local watering hole.  However, it was nearly midnight and we are all old ladies, so everyone realized the successful night was coming to a close.  Some of the girls decided to leave shortly after entering the bar.  A couple girls and I decided to stay, and everyone ordered Coors Light, which is how I KNEW it was a final round – when vodka drinkers switch to shitty light beer, it’s time to go home.

One of us three called a cab, hugged me tightly and said she’d see me soon.  Then it was just me and London, and since we were both halfway through our “beer,” I ordered a ride home for us both.  While I was waiting for the ride to arrive, I looked around the bar.  Sitting at the bar about 20 feet away, with a spotlight from heaven shining down on him like a true angel, was one handsome mother fucker.

He caught me looking at him.  I looked down.

I looked back up.  He was still staring at me, and then he stood up.  Oh shit oh shit oh shit.  He started walking towards my table.

I looked at my phone.  The ride was 2 minutes away.  I ran through some quick cost-benefit analysis in my head…. and then I cancelled the shit out of that ride, and ate the cancellation fee, and prayed that Handsome Angel was actually coming over to talk to me, and not someone he spotted directly behind me.

He stopped when he was standing right in front of me, and he sat down in the empty chair next to mine.  He smiled the most radiant, perfect smile.  “Hi, I’m Mike,” he said.

Oh. Fuck. My. Life. 


A Sure Fire Way to Speed Things Up

Ladies, gather round.  It’s time for a dose of sage advice from yours truly.

We can all agree that those early stages of dating someone you actually like are honestly the fucking worst.  You are really excited by this new person, and you assume it’s reciprocal, but you really don’t know where you stand, and that can cause unnecessary anxiety.  Is he seeing other people?  Is he just stringing you along until something better comes along??  Is he going to run away if you make it known that you’d like to see him more than once a week???  Is it too soon to have “The Talk” about your status?!?  It’s agonizing!

Well, worry no more, because I have unlocked the key to ending all that anxiety.  I am going to tell you a very simple and extremely effective way to learn exactly where you stand with your new bae.  Because I am a generous and altruistic soul, I am not even going to charge you for this.  I am going to give you this incredible life advice FOR FREE.  I know, but please, save your wildly enthusiastic applause for later.

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?  If you’re not sure where you stand with him, and you really want to know, all you have to do is… Read the rest of this entry »