The best thing ever has finally happened to me, and I can now die as a complete person.
I received my first dick pic.
A couple months back – the night of the infamous porn store coke missing wallet dick adventure – I met this 6’9″ basketball player. My friends and I had a lot of alcohol at our table for just four of us, and I said, “Well, I’ll go recruit some people to help us drink this.” I spotted the tallest man in the bar and my 61 inches (I was wearing sneakers) beelined over to him, looked waaaayyyy up at his chin and yelled, “WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME DRINK FOR FREE AT OUR TABLE?” at him. The giant bent down to hear me, I repeated myself, and thus my fate was sealed. It was all very innocent – we drank a lot and posted some stupid snaps, added each other as snapchat friends, and then I was tired, so I went home while he stayed out and kept partying.
The past couple months, basketball player has been sending me snaps. Nothing bad or creepy, just random stuff he’s doing. Occasionally he is out partying with his teammates, and I get a lot of silly drunk snaps that are just showing clearly wasted dudes hanging out. A couple weeks ago, I was looking at my snaps and saw I had hella direct snaps from him. Like 10 or so.
They start out really tame – he apparently had one of his good friends visiting him in Spain. They are clearly having a guys night in – drinking, smoking weed, playing video games, dancing around to dumb music, etc. I’m kinda bored at this point, but whatever, no biggie. And then. Then there’s a final video.
Basketball player’s friend, who I have never met, nor seen before in my life, is filmed standing in the middle of the room. Basketball player says, “How fast can you get naked? Bet it’s not as fast as this guy.”
And then in one really smooth and truly, incredibly fast motion, the friend uses his right hand to pull his shirt off his head, while his left hand simultaneously pulls his pants all the way down, and then he’s standing there buck ass naked for the remaining 10 seconds of the video, while I am at home screaming on my couch on a Wednesday “OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! FINALLY!!!! I’M A REAL GIRL NOW!!!”
Thus, I received my first ever dick pic. It was unsolicited. It was of a complete stranger’s dick. It was basically the apex of dick pic-dom, and my dick pic load has forever been blown after that.