Must Love Dogs

by gooseandsoda

Men are dogs.  You want to be in a relationship with a man?  You better fucking love dogs.

I get hit on by guys with significant others a lot.  Like, 9/10 times I am being hit on or I’m flirting with a guy, he eventually slips into the conversation that he has a girlfriend, fiancee, wife, you fucking name it.  Listen, I am definitely no Gisele Bundchen, and it’s going to take me a solid 2-3 months to have that much interaction with guys – and yet almost every time, it winds up being a guy who is already involved with someone else.  See the post immediately preceding this one for proof.

I used to just brush it off, like “Oh man, that guy is a total scumbag!  I feel so sorry for his girl!”  When it kept happening, over and over, I started to think maybe there was something wrong with me – which is a totally messed up way to think, I know.  But when you have 90%+ hit rate, you have to wonder if you’re actually the one putting out a vibe that says “I’LL GLADLY BE YOUR SIDE HO!”  After years of this, now I just get super angry.  Like “I-will-fuck-your-life-up-you-worthless-dickbag” ANGRY.


Even Queen Bey got cheated on by a dog. Females of the world: abandon all hope.

Here’s a rundown of some favorites:

  • Met a dorky guy at a mutual friend’s party, who seemed totally harmless.  Flirted all afternoon and into the evening.  While we were making out much later, his phone was blowing up, and when I make a comment about someone really wanting to get in touch with him, he said it was his wife (he was not wearing any ring).  My best friend, who was also at the party, found him on Facebook and sent him a video of us together.
  • Dated a guy for a summer, and then wound up getting a new job and moving out-of-state.  We kept in touch, and when I moved back almost exactly a year later, I reached out to him. He came out to meet up with me and some friends at a bar, some of whom had met him before.  We were getting real cozy, and I was sitting on his lap when he leaned down and whispered in my ear, “I should probably tell you I have a girlfriend now.”  That was the end of that.
  • Met a friend of a friend who I thought was cute – I was definitely flirting with him.  Our mutual friend took me aside and told me he had a live-in girlfriend. I stopped talking to him altogether. Hours later, he walked by me and squeezed my ass – and according to my friend, he also asked about me after that night.


  • I had just gotten dumped and was feeling very much down in the dumps.  One of my best friends flew into town to celebrate our birthdays together, and everyone took me out to try and cheer me up.  We went to one of my favorite bars, and I spotted a good looking man.  We kept making eye contact, but I didn’t want to go over and introduce myself because I was a chicken, and I was holding on to being sad.  My visiting friend went over to his table, and I could see her gesturing towards me and talking to him, then she waved at me to come over.  I went over, she introduced us, and then she left us to chat alone – we talked a lot (turned out he was visiting town too), he took my number, and then much later he put his hands on the table and I saw his wedding ring.  I walked away; my friends and I left the bar and went to a completely different neighborhood.  While getting into a cab at the end of the night, I heard someone yell my name – it was married dude.  He had followed us (I had already told him where we were planning to go, before I knew he was married).  I ignored him and got in the cab.


  • Had a casual hookup that I’d see every other weekend or so.  After a solid 3 months of hooking up, including hanging out with a bunch of his friends several times, he let slip that he had a long-term girlfriend.  She wasn’t terminally ill and she didn’t live in the suburbs.  He’s married to her now, and I really hope that’s working out for them.
  • This weekend I ran into the guy mentioned above, while I was out with some friends – I put my head down and hoped he didn’t spot me.  As if that weren’t enough of a reminder that I should be avoiding guys altogether, an hour later, I met an attractive man in the bar, and we got to talking/flirting.  He offered to buy me a drink, and then asked for my number, but prefaced it with, “I should tell you I am seeing someone.” So I said, “You have a girlfriend?” And he said, “Well yeah, but it’s like…” and before he could finish whatever lame excuse he was going to shit out of his lying cakehole, I just yelled “ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?!” in his face, and walked away.


  • One time I watched a guy spot one of my best friends in a bar, then take his wedding ring off and put it in his pocket, and approach her to aggressively hit on her.  She leaned across the table to me and yelled, “HOW DO I MAKE HIM GO AWAY?” while he was sitting right next to her.

I guess I should count myself lucky in that  I was only cheated on in 1 out of my 3 serious relationships?  Or, at least as far as I know, it was 1/3.  If we are to go by basic statistical math, it may be closer to 3/3.  I fucking hate dogs.