Guest Edit – The Best Friend Edition

by gooseandsoda

From the Bestie, who is now a married old bag – names changed to protect the guilty: 

I dated Ned in the 7th grade. He was a Persian chubster. He’s still Persian, but no longer a fatso. I dumped him for Ricky who later became my first roommate when I moved to Chicago.

Ned lived in Chicago for a bit before moving back home to Iowa to become a cop…he took me to my first Cubs game. We made out/ate each other’s faces afterwards while walking to Merkles and laughed about it the next day and have been pretty good friends ever since. He didn’t come to my wedding because he was in Maui at the time.

Ned is in the process of moving to Maui to start this tent company (I don’t know either) with Steve.

I dated Steve in 11th grade for probably 2 weeks. We saw Stigmata in the theatre and he gave me a Santana CD. He had a turtleneck on his penis and his tongue was pierced. He would do weird things like bite my nips and I wasn’t into it at 16 years old [Editor’s note – WTF YOU WERE SIXTEEN?!?! FUCKING IOWA]. I dumped him/cheated on him and he tagged my car with shoe polish, emblazoning the word, “WHORE” across the back windshield.

Ned called me last night telling me he decided to come to Chicago last minute to see the Cubs before he jets off to make tents in Maui.

He tells me he’ll be with a group of guys, Steve the turtleneck included and one of the guys in the group claims to be my ex-boyfriend.

The ex- boyfriend in question is Ben. I dated Ben during my Freshman year of college and he was a senior. I thought he was really hot and he was of age to buy me Moscato. I subsequently broke up with him. He drove to my parents house drunk one night and took a shit in their lawn and while he was backing his car out of the driveway, knocked over my parent’s mailbox.

Sidenote: Ben used to be roommates with Chris [Editor’s note – “Chris” was her first long-term, serious boyfriend in Chicago] as they both went to the same college. Ben and I once had sex on Chris’s futon.


So now I’m off to Wrigleyville to meet up with this group of clowns. Part 2 coming soon.

[I had to ask her to send me an update since I never heard back on what happened.  This is what she said]

Part 2 is non existent. Ben didn’t show. I awkwardly brought up the ‘WHORE’ tagging incident and Steve didn’t even remember doing it. He was really sweet and apologized anyhow and gave me hug like a dumb boner. Ned recounted the fact that after I dumped him in the 7th grade, I immediately started dating a kid with no teeth and he felt really uncomfortable about that.