Late Bloomer

by gooseandsoda

I know this may come as a surprise, but I was a bit of a late bloomer.

The year was 1997.  I was 12 or maybe 13, in 7th grade.  My class was doing some quiet study time in the library, which was just a big open area in the center of the school.  So, anything you said in the library could be heard in most all of the school’s hallways and certainly if you yelled something, maybe something like, “HEY RYAN WHAT’S A BONER?!?” across the library, pretty much the entire school could hear that.

I know, Baby Goose, I know.

Yeah, it’s true – at the age of 12-13 I still had no idea what a boner was.  My “friend” Courtney called me a boner. I was confused.  What kind of strange made-up word was that, and why should I take it as an insult?  I knew it must be insulting because immediately proceeding this, Courtney and I had been arguing about something, and then she unleashed the worst and most disgusting word she had in her vocabulary on me – “Boner.”  I asked her, “What’s a boner?” and she actually GUFFAWED at me, as if I had just asked her why Airwalks were cool, or why nobody liked Mr Levy (all these things were common knowledge, if you didn’t live under a rock).  Then she told me to ask our friend Ryan.  But Ryan was sitting on the other side of the library.  So, instead of getting up and trudging all the way across the library, naturally, I just yelled the question out to him.  I have never claimed to be a smart kid.

Everyone else in the library starts laughing hysterically (side note: WTF kind of parents did we all have that even all the GIRLS knew what boners were at this age?!?! My daughter is only going to learn what a boner is through some similar incident, and hopefully it puts her off ever wanting to see/hear/smell/taste any boners for MANY years to come, much like it did her mother…..actually no – look at me – that is a horrible idea.  Okay, boner education as early as possible then).  So Ryan walks over and he is beet red and laughing so hard he’s practically crying and I surely did not understand what was happening but 12-13 is a really tender age where you know when to feel humiliated, which is pretty much 99% of the time.

So I punched him.

I punched innocent Ryan, who was only just going to finish laughing and then explain quietly to me what a boner was.  But I projected all those feelings on poor little Ryan and punched him instead.

And then I got sent to the Principal’s office – both because someone from the library staff had already alerted the authorities that I yelled the word “BONER,” and because I punched Ryan.  So then I had to explain to the Principal that I didn’t know why that was a bad question, because I really did NOT KNOW what the word boner means. The Principal sighed and told me that I was free to go and I was not allowed to punch people ever again, but also he did not explain what a boner was. By that point I at least knew better than to ask him.

I went back to class, and Courtney found it in her shriveled cunt (HA I KNOW THAT ONE) heart to feel a sliver of guilt for basically having gotten me sent to the Principal’s office and explained a boner to me as, “When a guy gets….excited….his thing turns into a boner.” Which still made NO SENSE to me at all.  Like none. Zero.  I disbelieved she was even telling me the truth, but refused to ask her any more questions about it.

And thus it remained, till junior year of high school when I was making out with my boyfriend Kyle, and I was like “What the…OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I GET IT NOW!”