Internet Dating: Part 1

by gooseandsoda

So one time when I lived in a foreign city known as “New York,” I decided to try internet dating.  I recently stumbled across this gem of an email to my girlfriends, which sums up a lot of my thoughts about internet dating and how well that worked out for me (names changed to protect the “innocent”).


Subject: So I joined match….

Yes, you read that right. In a semi-drunken fit on Tuesday night, when it was 65 degrees outside and all I wanted to do was sit outside after work and have drinks with someone, anyone, I decided I would jump on the bandwagon and try to get out there and meet some new people the non-old fashioned way.

In the span of 24 hours, I was contacted by a ridiculously overwhelming number of idiots, douche bags and just plain liars – I was not sure what to do with this information, but after a heart-to-heart with Ching Chong Sally via text message and literally laughing till I couldn’t breathe alone in my condo, I am feeling better. I am still not sure if this has made me feel better about myself, or worse, since this garbage pile of humanity is what apparently is attracted to me.

Some highlights thus far:

1. 42 year old (I’m sorry, I’m pretty sure that my profile makes it clear I’m not looking for anyone over the age of 35) – screen name 6foot2scorpio. Writes me a clearly sketchball email. Read his profile, which ACTUALLY (I am quoting verbatim) says he is looking for someone “healthy (no stds)” My response to his email? Hey there, unfortunately I don’t think I meet your high standards since I have feline AIDS, but good luck to you and go get ’em, Tiger.” He actually responded after that too.

2. 29 year old who claims his IQ is 119 but in his profile tagline has written “If Your (sic) Tired of Douchebags You’ve Come To The Right Place.” He also writes me an email, which says something to the effect of how he is smart (see previous statement about claiming a 119 IQ) but he’s “pretty sure that once you see me it won’t matter” – ….soooooo then your tagline should also include “I’m only going to make your tired-er.”

3. How about the fact that match allows you to see who has viewed you? Is there anything more galling than to see that an absolute gaywad (you’re welcome, Sally) has viewed your profile but cleary is not interested in you because you received no notifications from them? I considered writing Peej69 an email to the effect of “I see you viewed my profile and opted not to respond, I just wanted to say that this was a good move on your part since I wouldn’t give you the time of day anyway and your face looks like a dirty b-hole.”

Anyway, there are a couple of dim (I’m not going to say “bright”) spots in this mess. I contacted 2, count them, 2 – not 1, but TWO – boys back. And let me just say, the first is basically Teeth Scales. It’s sort of frightening, actually. He is 33, could be Teeth’s twin, plays hockey for fun, runs a family business. He jumped straight from “let’s send a couple emails” to “let’s have dinner in the West Village Saturday night” – which, I mean, I appreciate a guy who doesn’t think coffee is a date, but can we at least get drunk first?? Anyway, I’ll let you all know how that goes and if you want to stalk him via FB in the meantime and see just how EFFING creepy I am being by going on a date with Colleen’s boyfriend, it’s Joe Schmoe III. And no, I haven’t friended him yet, even though he told me to. I need at least 6 dates before I’ll let a dude creep on my FB wall and realize I’m actually: 1. An alcoholic, 2. A major slutbag.

The other dude is so not attractive, but funny as shit – I was actually busting a gut reading his email(s) and his humor reminds me so much of Ned (my friend). He’s a lawyer, which I figure makes him an alcoholic too, and obviously semi-intelligent, so I’ll try and set up a date with him and see what happens there…

At any rate, I am hopefully expanding my circle of friends at the very least, which is just great by me.

Also, hope no one minds their faces splashed literally all over the internet since I totally used pictures of all of us for my profile. I told Sally I actually just used her likeness and am passing it off as my own, so these guys might be a little surprised when I show up looking nothing like the hot asian fetish they had in mind. I’m fairly certain Teeth II probably has the same taste in women as Teeth I, and upon seeing my photos was pretty sure he could work his way in to meeting Colleen via using me.

Love and miss you all!