A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

by gooseandsoda

For anyone who hasn’t had the privilege of scrolling through the contacts on my iPhone before – which is really the entire world outside of myself, a cab driver, and one errant thief who frequents a certain late-night River North bar (I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND YOU WILL NOT LIKE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT) – I have a particular classification system that I’ve used to remind myself of the numerous terrible men I’ve dated, and why I thought they were terrible.

It goes like this:

First Name + Emoji indicating something personal about a guy + Emoji indicating my thoughts on a guy (once formed). Whomever invented Emoji is a frigging efficiency genius.  Emoji can truly be used to describe absolutely anything.  If I were more clever, I would just write this entire blog using only Emoji.  Here is an example of my handiwork (now with a new and improved iOS 7 look):

Contact 1

That was Eddie.  Eddie and I went out on one dinner date, and he was a perfect gentleman. A perfectly rich and insane gentleman.  During (and immediately after) our one dinner date, Eddie invited me to the Superbowl, his family’s Mexican vacation home, and also an entire weekend trip to Pennsylvania with front-row seats to a Rascal Flatts concert.  I never talked to Eddie again, because I didn’t see the appeal of being locked away in a mansion somewhere with all the shoes I could have wanted, but no one to hang out with except my psychopath smothering husband that proposed on our third date. Thus, a moneybag and a thumbs-down to remind myself that Eddie was that rich guy who came on way too strong and needed to drop off the face of the planet.

Also this:

Contact 2

Trust me, you do not even want to know awful Steve’s backstory.

The classifications usually start as just the personal Emoji to remind me of something about the guy – a topic of conversation perhaps, or maybe that he was blonde or brunette.  Once I’ve had a chance to make up my mind about him, then the judgment Emoji is added.  My snap decisions are not always infallible, however, and sometimes the continuation of seeing a guy beyond a first date leads to a gradual change in Emoji interpretation – such as this evolution:

Jason 1 Jason 2 Jason 3

Not all that long ago, I was looking through my contacts for an unrelated reason, and I noted just how many names with Emoji qualifiers were in there.  It was a lot.  Too many, really.  And 99% of them were clearly bad decisions.  It made me sad for a minute, feeling that I’d wasted time on all these guys that I never wanted to see or hear from again.  So I deleted them. All of them. Except one.  The only one that doesn’t have a thumbs-down next to his name.  I still feel a little bit giddy when I see the blonde guy and a tennis ball pop up on my screen.