Things Left Behind: Part Deuce

by gooseandsoda

It is extremely mortifying when a hot guy you’ve been seeing for a little while walks out of your guest bathroom and says, “I don’t want to alarm you, but it seems someone took a massive dump in there and didn’t flush it, and it was sitting there for God knows how long.”

It is even more embarrassing when he, in an act of utter selflessness, offers to clean it up for you since “Girls shouldn’t have to see that or get anywhere near it.”

I racked my brains for who could possibly have DONE this ABOMINABLE thing and left it in my pristine girl palace, and I drew up a list of suspects.

Suspect #1  –  The Accuser. He came over 5 days prior to the night he found The Surprise. No one else had visited since, but I couldn’t remember him using the bathroom the last time he was there.

Suspect #2 – The BFF. She came over with a couple other friends on a Sunday Funday prior to The Accuser’s first visit. But she’s Asian and Asian females don’t have gross bodily functions, so she was pretty much instantly ruled out…..until she called me drunk a few days later and slurred a voicemail into my phone about how she “had a revoolayshun about thish poop thing” which I was sure was going to be her confession.

Suspect #3 – The Acquaintance. Also part of the Sunday Funday. Extremely self-aware, but perhaps she was just hammered enough to forget to flush?

Suspect #4 – The Acquaintance’s Husband. Let’s be honest, if there is a male v. female suspect, we’re going to finger the male as the perpetrator of a heinous deuce crime, 100% of the time.

This uncertainty went on for weeks. WEEKS. Everyone was in denial. Some went so far as to suggest I was the mysterious non-flusher. Pardonnez moi!!!! A. I don’t forget to flush, B. I don’t poop in the guest bathroom when I have a perfectly good toilet in the master bath.

I resigned myself to the idea that I was never going to figure out who left The Surprise, although it did make for some really spirited discussions with The BFF. Most of the conversations centered around the most wild scenarios we could imagine that lead to the eventual discovery of a bunch of unflushed turds. The going theory was that her boyfriend had actually broken into my place one day when I wasn’t home and left it for me.

Several weeks later, The Accuser spent the night at my home again. The next day I came home from work with an urgent need to pee, so I ran into the guest bathroom, closest to my front door. I lifted the lid and almost gagged in horror and then in total unadulterated RAGE as clarity hit me. THE ACCUSER WAS THE PERP!!!!


So many more questions to be answered now that we know the truth. Why would he draw attention to it? Did he really not know it was him? HOW, exactly, does one forget to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump? What is wrong with me that I find this only mildly disgusting, and mostly hilarious?

The BFF Reaction (after she has accused him of having a fecal fetish):