Spite F***

by gooseandsoda

I believe that as humans, we like to feel a sense of balance in our relationships with other humans. You have power; I have power; we have equal power (but really I have a little more power).  Perhaps it’s a little New Age-ish or “liberal” of me, but I don’t think anyone can deny that when we find an imbalance, we want to restore equality in some way, shape or form.

Unfortunately, you can’t have yang without yin, and if you’re an overly competitive bonafide whack job like yours truly, this means that sometimes you find yourself doing something trill naughty for no good reason, other than to satisfy the completely unjustified and highly illogical sense that you have somehow just lost a non-existent battle.  “VENGEANCE IS MINE!!!!” I yell as I fist-pump over the success of whatever horrendously inappropriate action has been completed. Whether or not the initial offender even knows that an injustice occurred (and justice WAS STRAIGHT SERVED, SON) does not matter. The point is only that I feel vindicated.

More recently, I started to let myself like someone who (GASP) actually liked me back. I got all caught up with someone’s attention and affection and next thing you know I have relaxed my guard just the eensiest littlest tiniest bit. Like a pinprick over my heart in a kevlar vest, just asking for a bullet to come whistling through it.

I had seen this certain someone on a Thursday AND a Friday, and he happened to have plans all weekend, so I assumed that I probably would not see him for the next couple of days, and I was okay with that. Saturday morning, I sent him a quick message to tell him good luck with his sporting event and enjoy the weekend. No response came back, which was also cool with me, as I tend to do the same on my end – if no response is warranted, just let it be.

Cut to Saturday night – I was out with some friends for a chill evening, when I got tired and declared I would like to go home. On the way home, The Lawyer contacted me to say he was TURNT UP and ask if I wanted to join? Sure I did! I met up with him, we had a great time getting wastey-faced with his friends at two utterly ridiculous places. It was around 130A that I looked down at my phone and saw a message from the certain someone, commanding me to come over to his place.

Irrational thoughts of power imbalance rushed into my head, enraging me. This guy hadn’t said boo to me all day, and then thought he could get away with booty-texting me in the wee hours of a Sunday morning with a legit command to go all the way up to his place?  Oh hell to the no. I lost my shit. I texted him back something to the effect of, “Go Fuck Yourself,” and then I made up my mind to spite fuck The Lawyer as further proof that I cannot, nay WILL NOT, be smoted!! (“Girls” reference FTW)

On Sunday afternoon The Lawyer was unceremoniously booted out of my place with a deadly hangover, so that I could meet my girlfriend for brunch. During our meal, the guy formerly-known-as-someone-I-liked, texted me to ask what was up with my angry message last night. I explained for his puny, penis-weakened mind why what he did was totally not cool with me. And you know what? He APOLOGIZED. This is when I realized perhaps there is a healthier and less insane way to go about managing my perceived power imbalances. Maybe next time I’ll try this “communication” approach every adult seems so high on.

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