Little Of This, Little Of That
I’ve dated all of your pathetic asses, and all of you had seriously fatal flaws. After blowing you off at some point in time, in a manner befitting how utterly terrible I thought you were on a scale of 1-2 – 1 being “I’ll text you that it’s not working,” 2 being “I’ll drop off the face of the earth and suggest you do the same,” – most of you fell into the 2 category. The problem was that I didn’t have any prospects other than you lot, and I was getting increasingly exasperated and lazy about finding anything better.
In my infinite wisdom, I decided to get in touch with some of you again and see if I couldn’t somehow combine whatever your attractive qualities were with the those of your counterparts. Then, by periodically being in contact with you chosen few, I could manage to cobble myself together something approximating a relationship with a cool guy. Genius, right?
#1 – The Sweet and Sentimental Part
You were thisclose to being great. You’re hot, smart and funny. You’re a complete sweetheart and a gentleman – the guy who showed up at my doorstep with tea and soup on a night when I couldn’t make a date because I was sick. BTW, I lied about being sick. Because I didn’t want to go on a date with you. And then my soft ass couldn’t say no to your earnest offer to come over and watch bad television with tea and soup. But here’s the thing, honey – you’re gay. You’re really and truly actually gay. So I reached out to you to be the “non-boyfriend” boyfriend – the one who I could call when I needed a pick-me-up, or go to the movies with, or hold hands and stroll in the park on a warm summer evening with. I would never see you outside a public setting, and you would never be invited up to my place. Then I got stupid drunk and accidentally (totally on purpose at the time) sexted you. And you claimed you liked it. And that’s when I knew I’d have to drop you like a hot potato.
#2 – The “All My Friends Love Him” Part
I don’t know what Jedi mind tricks you have played on the toughest critics in my circle, my girlfriends, but it worked. They love you madly, and have for quite some time now. I can see it – you’re tall and handsome, older and wiser than me, and insanely personable and funny. I brought you back to be the guy that can hang around my friends. You fit right in with the group, and I don’t have to worry about you being awkward. Then one night when you were pretty hammered and I was mostly sober, you looked me dead in the eyes and said, “Now would be the time that you can take advantage of me and ask me anything you want and I will tell you the truth. Go ahead, absolutely anything.” And this was a really terrifying thing to say to a girl who really didn’t give two shits about whatever it was that you were apparently dying to confess, so I said “Okay. How’s work?” And you expounded on that for long enough that the cab got us to where we were going and I didn’t have to deal with that nonsense anymore. And now I have to avoid you for fear you will say something you really regret.
#3 – The Mattress Tango Part
You were the second best I ever had. The first, unfortunately, was in a long term committed relationship during the time of this grand experiment, and even though one night he was apparently willing to forget that, I wasn’t, so I settled for you. The problem was, you were only ever good for one thing, and having to spend any time with you outside of that was actually torturous. When your idiotic tendencies began to creep into my ability to lust after you, I knew it was done.
#4 – The Asshole Part
There’s something exhilarating about being put in my proverbial place, and having to chase down some strange. You are the penultimate example of a terrible guy that was a total blow to my massively inflated ego, a guy who was feeding me blatantly transparent BS that I ate up like Jessica Simpson going to town on a bloomin’ onion at Chili’s. You pulled a “me,” disappearing off the face of the earth when I actually thought I had a shot. Then you randomly started getting back in touch months later for no actual apparent reason. Next thing I knew, you were texting me on the reg and I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t like thinking I had another shot. So I thought I’d try to add a dash of your bad boy ways to my new rotation, and I dangled the golden carrot – I let slip that I had the in to a place I knew you really REALLY wanted to go, on a night you really REALLY wanted to be there. But I didn’t actually invite you, because I wanted to know just how badly you would work for it. I liked that you wanted something I had, and it became clear you were willing to play nice to get it. And that’s when I knew I was free of you, and I could now be at peace with never talking to you again, because you really were the worst of the bunch. Plus it helped that you showed up there anyway and my friends all hated you. Glorious.
Everything in Moderation and One Person, Please.