Drowning in Strange
I mean for this to be an open letter to the men of Chicago, but let’s face it, I think only 2 of them actually read this. Nevertheless…
Gentlemen and Supreme Douches of Chicago –
Forget the D.E.N.N.I.S. System. It is not particularly hard to find ways to drown in strange during the summer in the Windy City. Allow me to enlighten you with a few suggestions that may have your wallet run dry but will guarantee a veritable Amazon river of dumb p**** flowing around you:
1. Have Access to a Boat.
You don’t even need to OWN the boat. You can have it as a timeshare, or it can just be your friend’s boat that you have a standing invite on (with the unwritten rule that you bring at least 4 girls for every outing you want to be a part of). It doesn’t have to be a nice boat. Seriously, charter a freaking pontoon or make a raft out of logs, it just needs to float in Lake Michigan and hold at least 10 chicks and you’re golden.
2. Know a Chicago Blackhawks Player.
I have seen hordes of girls lose their SHIT over these toothless, mullet/grimy beard sporting, sloppily drunk group of man children. Lucky for you, most of the players already have wives/girlfriends, so all you have to do is be in close enough proximity to hang out at their table/house/on their party bus and you cannot fail to be surrounded by starfucker babes who will gladly bang you for a shot to hang out with the “cool kids.”
3. Be Tight with a Door Guy in River North.
No, Rossi’s does not count. I mean some scene-y, ridiculously overpriced and unjustifiably pretentious spot – preferably with a rooftop of some sort. Here’s the scenario – you walk up, there’s a gaggle of beautiful early 20-somethings in Forever 21 cocktail napkin-sized dresses pushing against the ropes to try and get in. Door guy sees you, nods, says hello, asks who you are with. Look at the girls, pick the 3 hottest, doesn’t matter if they aren’t friends (they will be later when you get them drunk on lemon drops and tell them to make out with each other), and say “These girls here.” Not only will the 3 you just “rescued” owe you, but all the others who watched you swoop in and take what you wanted will officially cream their g-strings over your baller status.
4. Walk a Dog.
I recommend somewhere near the East Bank Club, where there are hot chicks in yoga pants going in and out all day. 80% of girls love dogs. 100% of hot girls love dogs. Cruise down the street with one and it is remarkable how many girls will stop and engage you in conversation. Pretty soon you’re exchanging numbers, and then eventually bodily fluids as you casually let slip that you’re hanging out with Jonathan Toews later in the week.
5. Wear this
I don’t know why, but biddies be cray for this smell of metrosexual man. Don’t overdo it, just one spray is enough to have you acting in a real-life Axe commercial, except that it’s not Axe.
There it is – your summer guide to sniffing out Chicago snatch. Is this going to land you the girl of your dreams? No. Will you feel like a major tool? Absolutely. Will you also be up to your eyeballs in 20-something year old girls with loose and questionable morals? YES.