My Karma Bank Account
I went to that wedding with The Bedroom Cryer (TBC). I believe I have now reaped enough good karma suffering through this monstrous affair to last me for at least my next 10-15 asshole moves.
I offer to let TBC stay in my parents’ house in Phoenix so he won’t need to get a hotel. With my mother there. He is also set to arrive a day before me. Karma +25
I offer to be the DD back to the house after the wedding, since it is about a 25 minute drive. That means I’m going to be sober at a wedding full of people I don’t know. Karma +100
On my actual day of travel, the train line I am riding to the airport is suddenly shut down and they make about 1,200 Friday rush hour commuters suddenly get off, with nary a warning, nor explanation. Upon exiting the station in what is not the nicest neighborhood in the city, I see the geniuses who run this city’s public transit have offered up ONE shuttle bus which will hold about 50 people. And did I mention it is rush hour on a Friday? There is not a cab in sight. Karma +50
I tell TBC and my mother that he is more than welcome to take her as a date to the wedding, seeing as how it will be nearly impossible for me to make a flight at this point. However, I am not going down with only 175 Karma Points in the bank, so I keep fighting. I take another train back to a more populated area of the city, spend the next 30 minutes desperately trying to hail a cab like the entire rest of the city, and then sit in traffic with the driver for the next hour while he smokes 4 unfiltered cigarettes and I nearly vomit out the window. Karma +50
The plane has miraculously been delayed, and I make the flight. Karma Usage -25
The next day I hang out with TBC and my mother – morning trail hike/run, sitting by the pool, lunch out together and I pay the bill. Karma +75.
I make a snarky comment towards my mom when she tells me I’m not drinking enough water. Karma Usage -10
TBC springs on me en route to the wedding that he has booked a hotel room near the wedding venue, so that we can go out and get drunk afterwards, and I don’t have to worry about being the DD. I choke back the words, “Not a goddamned chance in hell that I’m staying in a hotel with you overnight,” and manage a polite, “Well thank you for thinking of me.” Karma +10
At the wedding, we meet what has to be a collection of the biggest douchebags and fake tits I have ever seen in my life. One fat man with slicked back hair and a “girlfriend” who is WAY too pretty for him says to me, I quote, “If you’re ever in LA, you know, I run LA. I run that town.” They are all mortgage brokers or some such nonsense, and they are all AWFUL. AND I HAVE TO STAY SOBER. Karma +100
Every single person we meet asks if we’re dating and I begin to cut them off before they even finish the question with, “NOWEAREJUSTFRIENDS! HA! HAHA!” I find out that when I am not standing next to him, TBC has answered this question with, “We used to date and we couldn’t make it work.” I want this wedding to go down in history for being the first ever wedding + murder combination event. Inevitably his answer leads to people making comments to me about how we SHOULD date, which earns them a third degree burn from the laser beams shooting out of my eyes. Karma Usage -50
Post wedding I drive TBC to the hotel and check in for him while his drunk ass starts chatting up a bunch of random drunk strangers (not wedding guests) in the lobby. I leave him alone with them for 10 minutes and come back and the first thing out of some dumbass bitch’s mouth is, “Hey, so tell me why you aren’t dating this guy? You should totally date him! He’s so cute!” I resist the urge to punch both of them in the face. Karma +25
We go to a bar, I sweet talk the bouncer into letting us in ahead of some ridiculously stupid line – it’s Scottsdale people, not New York, what the fuck – and immediately run to the bar and order a drink. I start talking to a guy standing at the bar, desperate to talk to anyone that isn’t TBC. TBC wanders off and talks to another group of people. Pretty soon, I’ve lost him entirely, at which point I decide to cut loose for the first time all night. This winds up with me partying my face off, sleeping with some giant ex-football player, and getting a ride all the way back to my parent’s house in the wee hours of the morning, while TBC blacks out and finds his way back to the hotel room and (presumably) sleeps alone. Karma Usage -75
Karma Bank: +275
Let’s see if I can blow it all this weekend.