Goose And Soda

I recognize that being a heterosexual female is generally a bad life decision.

Month: April, 2013

Monica Lewinsky

I mean, you have sex with a guy you like ONE TIME and not only does he disappear off the face of the planet after, but the asshole had the nerve to use your $500 Mackage dress to wipe himself off and now you can’t even take it to your sweet little Asian lady dry cleaner because then you’d never be able to show your face in there again from the weight of the Tiger Mom judging that would take place. At what point am I allowed to sue a guy for defamation of character, emotional suffering AND the cost of a new dress?!?

 

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So Let Me Get This “Straight”

1. You are a workout maniac

2. You wear Chip and Pepper jeans

3. You can sing on-key and play, “When I’m gone (the cup song)” from Pitch Perfect

4. You are on Pinterest (“for your mom”)

5. You can’t keep it up, even when you’re 100% sober

…and you want me to think you’re NOT gay?

Previously, On “Terrible Decisions”

Oh you know, just a typical week for me:

Monday – Had to leave work in the middle of the day to meet up with a random stranger (a friend of a friend), who somehow ended up with my wallet on Saturday night (well, early Sunday morning) after I left it at the bar when taking his friend home. The friend had also accidentally taken some of my keys, so he gave me those back too. Starbucks employees were definitely judging me as he handed it all over.

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Nailed It.

You know you probably have some issues when five friends tell you in five separate conversations that it is painfully obvious the only reason that you like that guy is because he actually DOESN’T like you back.  I would probably love him even more if he was married.

My B(r)ush With Fame

I moved to NY and needed to find a new lady doctor, since the one I had gone to for 6 years in Chicago rudely refused to move with me.  I logged into my health insurance provider’s website, went through the list of doctors in my network and picked one using, in descending order of importance, sex, distance from my office, best med school and most American-sounding name. Yes, I’m a sexist lazy label-whore racist.

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Finding My Balance

Gravity and I have a long standing love-hate relationship.  It mostly loves me and really likes cuddling with me, and I actually hate it for pulling me down all the time.

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