Goose And Soda

I recognize that being a heterosexual female is generally a bad life decision.

Month: March, 2013

The Waiting Game

I met a guy who piqued my interest in a way that no one had done for a long time. He invited me to hang out with him and his friends one night, and I was having a great time with all of them. At one point in the evening, his friend pulled me aside and said, “Can I give you a piece of advice?” I said, “Sure.” He then goes, “Don’t sleep with him.” I was taken aback, and he went on to say, “You’re a keeper. Don’t sleep with him yet so he can’t lose respect for you. Seriously, don’t.” I laughed and told him I wasn’t planning to sleep with him yet because I really did like him. Then I got hammered with him the next night and I think everyone can guess what happened then. Slept with him. While mentally whipping myself the next day for ruining what could have actually been the start of something good, it dawned on me that this is the stupidest goddamned thing that single people do.

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…No, I’m not kidding.

That awkward moment when a sweet guy brings you back to his place for a little make-out sesh on a successful first date and you see this sitting on his coffee table:


A Moment Of Clarity

Have you ever had that moment where you become completely self-aware of exactly where you are in your life right at that point in time?

Maybe you experienced this feeling after you had sex with a guy one night, and then another guy came over the next afternoon and had sex with you before you had showered, and this second guy actually saw some other guy’s dried jizz on your naked body and said to you, “Oh you’re peeling a little.”

And as you realize what has just happened you can only be like:


Doctor, Lawyer, Apprentice, Spy.

I hate to compare anything in my life to “Sex and the City” because they are a bunch of old-ass dried out vaginas. However, like the women in that show, I often bestow the various men in my life with a nickname. Typically this is simply based on the profession of the new fling. ┬áIt is all too often in conversation with girlfriends that I refer to a man by his actual name, and am met with blank stares. It isn’t until I say “You know, the Doctor/Lawyer/Bartender/Cop/Shoe Shiner” before the light goes on and recognition sets in.

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Blue Sperry Topsiders

One of many reasons that I will never have children is because if I had a daughter she might do something like what I am about to relate here, which is a great story, but not when it’s being told by your kid.

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