Hot Mess

by gooseandsoda

I am a sweater.

I don’t mean that as a metaphorical comparison of myself to a sweet and fuzzy angora blend, or a classic traditional wool, or an expensive and unobtainable designer cashmere. I mean that I sweat like Chris Farley trying to keep up at top speed on an uphill treadmill. I sweat like this.

I sweat standing still. I sweat when I’m calm and when I’m nervous. I sweat if I walk more than 5 steps in any environment that tops 60 degrees F….naked. If I’m clothed it has to be below 40 for me not to feel that first traitorous drop sliding down between my ass cheeks. If I workout vigorously I use the 3 lbs of dropped water weight as an excuse to eat a slice of cake right after.

Mainly for this hyper hydrosis reason, I. Am. Not. A. Spooner. If I like a dude enough to sleep in the same bed with him overnight voluntarily – passing out drunk, or being stranded because I know I will never find a cab both do not count – he should know better than to try and cuddle. Those who don’t understand this will inevitably be subjected some variation of the following:

He sidles up, throws an arm over me.

I make this face.

Up to 30 seconds, I stop breathing and lay very very still, while internally praying over and over again that he falls asleep now. NOW.  NOW!! Now?

31-60 seconds sees my internal inferno spark up. This poor bloke has all of 43 seconds to back off or be drenched in my salty rage.

61-70 seconds. The first bead starts to form. I heave an audible sigh. The irritation I am experiencing at this point is palpable.

71 seconds. First drip. As soon as it hits the bed, transformation is complete.

….Or at least, that is how this would usually go down. Until I met a fellow sweater, who I actually maybekindofsortof liked. Then this happened:

He sidled up, threw an arm over.

I made this face.

59 interminable seconds go by, where I question my judgment for thinking I’d picked a good dude.

A full minute has gone by. He says “I’m going to back up now and I know your feelings won’t be hurt because I know you’re getting uncomfortably hot too.”