No. More. Mikes.

by gooseandsoda

According to this, the name “Michael” is derived from Hebrew, meaning “Who is like God?”  Essentially then, guys named Michael are simultaneously posing and answering this question for the world at large.  And that answer is, “Definitely not us!”

My girlfriends and I have all dated a Mike, or multiple Mikes.  Here is the thing about a Mike you meet out in the wild – he can be quite charming.  You think he’s very normal; sometimes you may even think he is pretty damn spectacular.  And just when you get comfortable that you’ve found the ONE Mike who  bucks the Mike trend, BAM!  He hits you with his deal-breaking fatal flaw and you smack your hand on your forehead and say, “WHEN will I learn my lesson about Mikes?!?”

Sometimes a Mike thinks they can trick a girl into believing they are more normal by insisting they are called “Michael,” but that is like calling the 13th floor of a building, “14” and thinking no one will notice that it is directly above 12.  We are not fooled by your pathetic attempt at mind trickery, Mike.

Why the animosity towards a very popular, “good old American boy” name?  To be fair, I can’t speak for the homosexual population of Mikes.  Given just how atrocious their hetero brethren are, I don’t hold particularly high hopes for them either.

Allow me to enlighten you with a rundown of problems my girlfriends and I have encountered with Mikes:

  • Impotence
  • Utter lack of personality
  • The smallest peens we ever saw always belonged to a Mike
  • Selfishness that would have made Veruca Salt look like Mother Theresa
  • Stalker tendencies
  • Spitting on a girl and foaming at the mouth during sex
  • Liars
Not enough proof for you ?  How about a list of celebrity Mikes?

Future parents, heed my warning: naming your child “Michael” is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It can be equated to purposefully unleashing a monster on the female population.  Name him Brad, David or even Pilot Inspektor, but please just don’t name him Mike.