Goose And Soda

I recognize that being a heterosexual female is generally a bad life decision.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

It’s been a minute, but I’m back with something I really just couldn’t wait to share with the world 2 people who read this blog (luh ya, kiddos).  Warning – it’s going to get pretty graphic – probably no shocker there.

As any one who has ever been a teenage girl knows, there are exactly two vagina-related scenarios that will cripple you with fear:

  1. Forgetting to take your pill within a 30-minute window of when you were supposed to take it, then having unprotected sex and freaking out about how you are most definitely pregnant.
  2. Leaving a tampon in for one minute more than the prescribed 8-hour maximum time frame, and giving yourself Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS).

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Listen, I have a lot to say about these fucking gaywad hashtags that Basic bitches like to use on Instagram.


Oh Jesus Christ – I don’t know Susan, but the suspense is *killing* me

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Transcription of a voicemail I have saved on my phone, from my best friend

Thursday, August 29, 2013 at 5:30 PM:

“Hey girl, it’s boo. I just have a quick question for you about…well it’s about your G-spot. Just real quick question. Gimme a call back, bye.” 


At Last.

The best thing ever has finally happened to me, and I can now die as a complete person.

I received my first dick pic.

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This city is officially too small for me.  You know how I know this?  I’ve begun turning guys who are each other’s bros into actual brothers…. of the Eskimo variety.


“Tell us, how big of a whore was she, Brother?”

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This is such a great story, and it sounds exactly like something that would happen to me.


Must Love Dogs

Men are dogs.  You want to be in a relationship with a man?  You better fucking love dogs.

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Throw Another Shrimp on the Barbie

I was out with some friends at one of the many summer street fests in Chicago, well on my way to “I might not remember this tomorrow” territory.  About 4 hours in, it all gets pretty fuzzy, but the details I know for sure happened are thus:

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See, What Had Happened Was…

Most people know that phrase as a famous line uttered by Will Smith on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.”  This is the intro that rascally Will uses when he is trying to ‘splain some *REAL SHIT* he got into.  My friends know this is one of my favorite phrases, and they tend to hear it when I am about to describe some absolutely bonkers mess I found myself  in.  If I start a story with that line, everyone is in for a real scare.  Treat, I mean.  Everyone is in for a real “treat.”

Without further adieu…..

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Guest Edit – The Best Friend Edition

From the Bestie, who is now a married old bag – names changed to protect the guilty: 

I dated Ned in the 7th grade. He was a Persian chubster. He’s still Persian, but no longer a fatso. I dumped him for Ricky who later became my first roommate when I moved to Chicago.

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