Goose And Soda

I recognize that being a heterosexual female is generally a bad life decision.

A Sure Fire Way to Speed Things Up

Ladies, gather round.  It’s time for a dose of sage advice from yours truly.

We can all agree that those early stages of dating someone you actually like are honestly the fucking worst.  You are really excited by this new person, and you assume it’s reciprocal, but you really don’t know where you stand, and that can cause unnecessary anxiety.  Is he seeing other people?  Is he just stringing you along until something better comes along??  Is he going to run away if you make it known that you’d like to see him more than once a week???  Is it too soon to have “The Talk” about your status?!?  It’s agonizing!

Well, worry no more, because I have unlocked the key to ending all that anxiety.  I am going to tell you a very simple and extremely effective way to learn exactly where you stand with your new bae.  Because I am a generous and altruistic soul, I am not even going to charge you for this.  I am going to give you this incredible life advice FOR FREE.  I know, but please, save your wildly enthusiastic applause for later.

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?  If you’re not sure where you stand with him, and you really want to know, all you have to do is… Read the rest of this entry »


I’m in Miami, Bitch.

It was 4 days before the 4th of July weekend, and I was restless.  I had been traveling for work, but I wanted a REAL vacation.  I started messing around at work with travel sites, looking at where I could fly using just miles, and came up with…..Miami.

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Smells Like Teen Spirit

It’s been a minute, but I’m back with something I really just couldn’t wait to share with the world 2 people who read this blog (luh ya, kiddos).  Warning – it’s going to get pretty graphic – probably no shocker there.

As any one who has ever been a teenage girl knows, there are exactly two vagina-related scenarios that will cripple you with fear:

  1. Forgetting to take your pill within a 30-minute window of when you were supposed to take it, then having unprotected sex and freaking out about how you are most definitely pregnant.
  2. Leaving a tampon in for one minute more than the prescribed 8-hour maximum time frame, and giving yourself Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS).

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Listen, I have a lot to say about these fucking gaywad hashtags that Basic bitches like to use on Instagram.


Oh Jesus Christ – I don’t know Susan, but the suspense is *killing* me

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Transcription of a voicemail I have saved on my phone, from my best friend

Thursday, August 29, 2013 at 5:30 PM:

“Hey girl, it’s boo. I just have a quick question for you about…well it’s about your G-spot. Just real quick question. Gimme a call back, bye.” 


At Last.

The best thing ever has finally happened to me, and I can now die as a complete person.

I received my first dick pic.

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This city is officially too small for me.  You know how I know this?  I’ve begun turning guys who are each other’s bros into actual brothers…. of the Eskimo variety.


“Tell us, how big of a whore was she, Brother?”

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This is such a great story, and it sounds exactly like something that would happen to me.


Must Love Dogs

Men are dogs.  You want to be in a relationship with a man?  You better fucking love dogs.

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Throw Another Shrimp on the Barbie

I was out with some friends at one of the many summer street fests in Chicago, well on my way to “I might not remember this tomorrow” territory.  About 4 hours in, it all gets pretty fuzzy, but the details I know for sure happened are thus:

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